During a random web crawl I learned that Patti LaBelle is now hawking bedding. This bedding, to be exact:
She calls it the — brace yourself — “New Attitude” collection. (♫ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, OOH! ♫) Now you’ll have that song stuck in your head for awhile. As did I, while I started trolling through the available offerings.
Herewith, the ugliest bedding collections on sale at Macy’s. (Believe it or not, Patti’s is not one of them — I find it sort of charming, in an electric-’80s, fake-fingernails sort of way.) Click on the thumbnail to see each picture larger.
“Bali” by Michael Kors. What is it about exotic locations that make designers lose their senses? Just because you’re on a tropical island doesn’t mean you want to sleep in a banana-colored bed.
“Capri,” by Ralph Lauren. OH MY GOD MY EYES HURT. I AM TYPING IN ALL-CAPS SO THAT MY WORDS ARE AS LOUD AS THIS BED IS. Do you have to plug it in to get the blues that bright?
“Suede Blocks” by Hallmart Collectibles. I’m sure the company name’s near-miss similarity to “Hallmark” is just a coincidence. The paneling detail is awful, and the ultrasuede patches don’t help. Like a Rothko painting ripoff.
“Serenghetti” by Sunham. You know they misspelled “Serengeti” on purpose — to give it that luxe poetic-Italian flair! Same for the ruched brown fabric, which is being mauled by the patchwork of giraffe, cheetah, zebra and leopard.
“June” by Jessica Anders. What kind of June is this? I expect June to be filled with blossoms and greens. It looks parched, itchy and scratchy. And vaguely solar.
“Camo” by Victoria Classics. Memo from Victoria Classics: “Designers, please create camouflage bedding, but remove any hint of masculinity from the pattern. Plus, make it inviting — by adding pockets and pleats!”
“Ana’s Landscape” by Pem Americana. This belongs in the spare bedroom of frail, elderly grandmothers — the room where they keep mementos and crocheted toilet paper cozies. Which makes sense, because this faux-flowered-patchwork demon already looks like it’s sun-bleached and covered in dust. I bet it smells like liniment right out of the bag.
“Suzani” by Natori. I feel like this could almost be close to being passable, but the omnipresent printwork — even on the sides of the bolster — gets overwhelming, especially when you know it looks cheesy up close. Like starter bedding girls buy at Urban Outfitters your first year in college.
“Kieran” by Waterford. The bedding equivalent of “Tuscan” houses in Arizona — overwrought, ostentatious and obvious.
This one by Calvin Klein actually isn’t bad, in a minimalist sort of way. The only reason I’m including it is because they thought it was a good idea to name the pattern “Puckered Circle.” I don’t think “brown puckered circle” is a good phrase. I am pretty sure my friend Heidi would respond to my discovery by saying: “Never say ‘brown puckered circle’ again.”