Dear Bible Mailing Service:

I think I saw this airbrushed on the side of an old Chevy van last weekend. Prophesy!

First off, thank you so much for calling the residents of Casa Flor “your friends” on the mailing label of the flyer you paid to send out at a greatly reduced rate, thanks to your nonprofit status. The cover of your brochure is certainly exciting, featuring lions and four-headed leopards with wings, smack-dab between a scary stegosaurus and a grizzly bear with … sardines in its mouth, maybe? I’m sure the visuals will make much more sense after I attend Revelation in Prophesy, your “in-depth look at ancient predictions and signs that directly affect [my] life!”

You’re not joking about “in-depth,” either: 17 nights of rapture! Or, 17 nights about The Rapture. Or both.) It’s too bad that your first night starts out asking us, “Will 2009 be the end of all things?” because — spoiler alert, since we’re halfway through 2010 — it wasn’t. And while Scott Hakes may be “a well-known specialist on Bible eschatology (end-time events),” I do think that dedicating three whole nights to biographical events (“The Day I Died and Lived To Tell About It,” “My Story — Being diagnosed with a brain tumor and an outlook of 4 months to live” and, I assume, “Near Death Experiences”) might be a little me-me-me centered. After all, the series is supposed to be about all the events that Revelation has forecast. Revelation is totally the new Nostradamus! (Or, since it precedes Nostradamus, it’s the old Nostradamus, repopularized. You know.)

Imagine my surprise to learn that the Book of Revelation already foretold the Middle East’s threat to U.S. security — especially because Revelation was written around A.D. 70-95, more than a millennium before Christopher Columbus stumbled across North America en route to India. The Apostle John apparently was so savvy that he wrote a book that forecast the area he was born and raised in as a terror threat to the foreign policy of  a nation that wouldn’t even be founded for another 1,700 years — that’s how revelatory Revelation is!

I have so many questions to ask Revelation: Did it forecast this year’s spate of earthquakes and volcanos? Did God really have anything to do with Jan Brewer’s installation as Arizona governor, or was He just really busy with something else that day and accidentally let it slip through the cracks? Why is Justin Bieber so popular?

I will be sad to miss out on Bible prophecy’s answers to those questions, as well as the one “that every thinking person is asking” — in case you didn’t get the Every Thinking Person’s Memo, that question is “Is there doom on the horizon, or are we on the eve of great things to come?” Unfortunately, I have to stay home and wash my hair for 16 nights.

But there’s still hope — the “Babylon and the Whore” night sounds intriguing! If the whore has wings and rides a dinosaur, I’m totally there.

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6 responses to “Dear Bible Mailing Service:

  1. hahaha 🙂 I had fun reading this. I was googling for Bible Mailing Service contact details so I can pretty please ask them to stop mail spamming me.

    • Sam Mittelsteadt

      Thanks! I’ve only received that one bulletin and nothing since, thankfully, so maybe they just do a giant blast to ZIP codes nearest their presentations. At least I like to think they shelled out money to buy a mailing list in a futile attempt to boost attendance.

  2. OMG – I’m still wiping tears from my eyes! Thank you for this. I just received this same brochure in the mail today, here in Jan-Brewerville. Alas I failed to notice if the “2009” error was corrected.

    I have to admit that I was on the verge of an apocalyptic rage when I saw this smarm in my mailbox. I found your humorous take while searching for a way to say “No thanks – please confine your talents to the sides of 1970s vans” to Bible Mailing Service. Thank you for reminding me that humor can be found in these things. I guess I’ve just been thumped by one too many bibles. Please, please….the Rapture cannot come soon enough for me!!

    • Sam Mittelsteadt

      Glad to be of service! From you and Kevin’s recent comments, it sounds like BMS is back for Round 2. Like Rocky! … or maybe more like an STD. I’m happy to hear that they still have the same illustration on their brochure, though! That was amazing artwork – my digital cam couldn’t capture all its majesty.

  3. Sam, this is the speaker for the prophecy meeting you loved so much! It’s good to see you know so much about my meeting after your 2 nights of attendance to am17 night event. Good news ur blog has increased attendance and i personally want to thank you… Would you like the pic in HD? Let me know I will get u the PDF. Sahakes@msn.com put prophecy in subject line so it doesn’t go to junk. Thanks Scott

    • I wish I could take the credit for increasing attendance, but I see the traffic my blog gets, and it’s middling at best. (Which dovetails nicely with the effort I’ve put into it lately — that’s equity at work for ya.) So it’s unlikely to be considered a driver of any sizable difference either way. But I’ll keep an eye out for your next tour through town! It means you’re still out there fighting the good fight.

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