First off, thank you so much for calling the residents of Casa Flor “your friends” on the mailing label of the flyer you paid to send out at a greatly reduced rate, thanks to your nonprofit status. The cover of your brochure is certainly exciting, featuring lions and four-headed leopards with wings, smack-dab between a scary stegosaurus and a grizzly bear with … sardines in its mouth, maybe? I’m sure the visuals will make much more sense after I attend Revelation in Prophesy, your “in-depth look at ancient predictions and signs that directly affect [my] life!”
You’re not joking about “in-depth,” either: 17 nights of rapture! Or, 17 nights about The Rapture. Or both.) It’s too bad that your first night starts out asking us, “Will 2009 be the end of all things?” because — spoiler alert, since we’re halfway through 2010 — it wasn’t. And while Scott Hakes may be “a well-known specialist on Bible eschatology (end-time events),” I do think that dedicating three whole nights to biographical events (“The Day I Died and Lived To Tell About It,” “My Story — Being diagnosed with a brain tumor and an outlook of 4 months to live” and, I assume, “Near Death Experiences”) might be a little me-me-me centered. After all, the series is supposed to be about all the events that Revelation has forecast. Revelation is totally the new Nostradamus! (Or, since it precedes Nostradamus, it’s the old Nostradamus, repopularized. You know.)
Imagine my surprise to learn that the Book of Revelation already foretold the Middle East’s threat to U.S. security — especially because Revelation was written around A.D. 70-95, more than a millennium before Christopher Columbus stumbled across North America en route to India. The Apostle John apparently was so savvy that he wrote a book that forecast the area he was born and raised in as a terror threat to the foreign policy of a nation that wouldn’t even be founded for another 1,700 years — that’s how revelatory Revelation is!
I have so many questions to ask Revelation: Did it forecast this year’s spate of earthquakes and volcanos? Did God really have anything to do with Jan Brewer’s installation as Arizona governor, or was He just really busy with something else that day and accidentally let it slip through the cracks? Why is Justin Bieber so popular?
I will be sad to miss out on Bible prophecy’s answers to those questions, as well as the one “that every thinking person is asking” — in case you didn’t get the Every Thinking Person’s Memo, that question is “Is there doom on the horizon, or are we on the eve of great things to come?” Unfortunately, I have to stay home and wash my hair for 16 nights.
But there’s still hope — the “Babylon and the Whore” night sounds intriguing! If the whore has wings and rides a dinosaur, I’m totally there.