No, I would not like coffee with that.
Yesterday morning a guy wearing makeup handed me my coffee in the drive-thru.
I’m not sure how many products were involved, but there was definitely a full face of foundation going on. And because the foundation was so heavy — like mineral-makeup levels of opacity — and not a good color match, his waxy-lustrous complexion was headed toward Orange Glo territory.
So I did what I usually do when something startles me a bit: “Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.” Suddenly I was fascinated by the fact my car’s interior had a dashboard! And a radio! Who knew air came out of these vents?
But my brain was buzzing: Is he made up because he thinks he looks better that way? Does he have Marla Hanson-style scars from an attack? (Of course my first fictional scenario involved models.) Is he plagued by bad acne?
Then I headed toward stereotype territory: Maybe he’s just wearing it because he’s gay and it’s some sort of “I reject your oppressive gender rules!” statement. Or maybe he’s a drag queen when he’s not at work. (Like that would explain why he’d be settin’ it and forgettin’ it at work at 9 a.m.: “Oh, I’ve got a show in 12 hours, so in the meantime I’m just letting my face cook.”)
I spent the rest of the exchange pretending absolutely nothing was amiss (“Look at his eyes — just his eyes! Don’t look at his skin!”) when what I actually wanted to say was: “So, what’s going on with the full face of makeup there?”
But what if it was to cover up horrible scarring? (Thanks for pointing out to a stranger that his attempt to cover up his horrible scarring is a major fail, dickhead!) And I’d never walk up to a woman I didn’t know and say, “I couldn’t help but notice your makeup, because it’s applied so heavily.”
So instead I drove to work, walked over to my friend Heidi and said, “So, at the drive-thru window today —”
“The guy with all the makeup?” she said. “Yeah, that’s the first time I’ve seen him.” (The guy in the next cubicle chimed in, too.)
I know that The Gays are supposed to be leading the Open-Minded Brigade, but damn that can be fatiguing sometimes. Although I have to say, I think it’s relatively open-minded — and, yeah, really gay — that what incited my reaction wasn’t that a guy was wearing makeup, but that it was selected and applied in such a slipshod manner.
So, keep painting your face, Barista Boy! But while you’re showing your true colors to the world, consider opting for more flattering ones, applied with a lighter hand. Then the attention will be on your canvas, not your brushstrokes.
|WHAT SAM WORE: 8-5-11|
|The shirt: Vintage pullover shirt from Buffalo Exchange.|
|The pants: Jeans from the Lucky Brand store in Chandler.|
|The shoes: Loafers by Alfani, from Last Chance.|