Ace of base

No, I would not like coffee with that.

Yesterday morning a guy wearing makeup handed me my coffee in the drive-thru.

I’m not sure how many products were involved, but there was definitely a full face of foundation going on. And because the foundation was so heavy — like mineral-makeup levels of opacity — and not a good color match, his  waxy-lustrous complexion was headed toward Orange Glo territory.

So I did what I usually do when something startles me a bit: “Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.” Suddenly I was fascinated by the fact my car’s interior had a dashboard! And a radio! Who knew air came out of these vents?

But my brain was buzzing: Is he made up because he thinks he looks better that way? Does he have Marla Hanson-style scars from an attack? (Of course my first fictional scenario involved models.) Is he plagued by bad acne?

Then I headed toward stereotype territory: Maybe he’s just wearing it because he’s gay and it’s some sort of “I reject your oppressive gender rules!” statement. Or maybe he’s a drag queen when he’s not at work. (Like that would explain why he’d be settin’ it and forgettin’ it at work at 9 a.m.: “Oh, I’ve got a show in 12 hours, so in the meantime I’m just letting my face cook.”)

I spent the rest of the exchange pretending absolutely nothing was amiss (“Look at his eyes — just his eyes! Don’t look at his skin!”) when what I actually wanted to say was: “So, what’s going on with the full face of makeup there?”

But what if it was to cover up horrible scarring? (Thanks for pointing out to a stranger that his attempt to cover up his horrible scarring is a major fail,  dickhead!) And I’d never walk up to a woman I didn’t know and say, “I couldn’t help but notice your makeup, because it’s applied so heavily.”

So instead I drove to work, walked over to my friend Heidi and said, “So, at the drive-thru window today —”

“The guy with all the makeup?” she said. “Yeah, that’s the first time I’ve seen him.” (The guy in the next cubicle chimed in, too.)

I know that The Gays are supposed to be leading the Open-Minded Brigade, but damn that can be fatiguing sometimes. Although I have to say, I think it’s relatively open-minded — and, yeah, really gay — that what incited my reaction wasn’t that a guy was wearing makeup, but that it was selected and applied in such a slipshod manner.

So, keep painting your face, Barista Boy! But while you’re showing your true colors to the world, consider opting for more flattering ones, applied with a lighter hand. Then the attention will be on your canvas, not your brushstrokes.

The shirt: Vintage pullover shirt from Buffalo Exchange.
The pants: Jeans from the Lucky Brand store in Chandler.
The shoes: Loafers by Alfani, from Last Chance.

2 responses to “Ace of base

  1. Can we plan an outing where we take him to MAC for a makeover? ¡Viva Baristas!

    • Sam Mittelsteadt

      You know that glasses girl would be all, “There are RULES at this Starbucks, and makeovers are not part of those rules!”

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