Prime suspects

Five things that, I suspect because I was raised Lutheran, I am suspicious of:

1. Sateen sheets.

Too silky! (Where am I, a bordello?) I like pillowcases that can be starched and ironed to a cool, crisp finish. If regular cotton was good enough for Abe Lincoln, it’s good enough for us now.

2. Clarisonic devices.

I have a washcloth you can borrow. It doesn’t beep, but for $195 I’ll come to your house and tell you to move the washcloth to the next area of your face every 30 seconds, until you manage to learn on your own how much time that is. And speaking of washing your face …

3. facial toners.

A product designed to remove dirt and oil … applied right after we wash our faces to remove dirt and oil? Why don’t we just find a better cleanser?

4. Mood lighting in restaurants.

They must be trying to disguise how unattractive the food is, right?

5. people with EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMALS.

Especially on airplanes. Added bonus: the National Service Animal Registry* website says: “Flying with [an emotional support animal] for the first time can be very anxiety producing.” (So much anxiety, brought about by the pet, which is helping you get over the anxiety, brought on by the pet!) I’m not saying I want someone to have a panic attack on the plane, but a support animal is supposed to be an aid for an emotionally traumatized person. Not someone who’s just overly attached to their chihuahua.

* Run by a psychological services company that specializes in — what else? — diagnosing the need for emotional support animals.

WHAT SAM WORE: 6-18-12
The shirt: Long-sleeved button-down, from the J. Crew outlet store at Anthem.
The pants: Dark-wash slim-fit jeans from Uniqlo, New York.
The shoes: Suede high-tops, from the Nike outlet store at Anthem.
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