He’s a maniac, a maniac on the treadmill

FutureXHusband

Found on TapThatGuy.com

Possibly Disturbing Trend #1: Cutting. I’m not sure if they’ve always been around or they’re just really popular this year, but I’ve noticed LOTS more guys wearing shirts that now have maybe half the fabric they were originally manufactured with.

I just can't right now.

I just can’t right now.

I am of two minds about this: If you look like My Imaginary Husband up at the top of the post*, sure, then I probably do not mind … as much. But still — c’mon, guys. If I can see your nipples, you’ve done something wrong. You’re wearing less of a shirt and more of a long bib. It takes just as much time to put on a full shirt as it does your ersatz version. (And, when you are working out at the gym, your fellow gymgoers rely on you being clothed so as to prevent leaving a contrail of sweat on your benches and machines.)

* (He actually looks a lot like my first real-life boyfriend, if said boyfriend’s shoulder and arm muscles had been inflated with balloons.)

Possibly Disturbing Trend #2: People doing everything BUT running on treadmills. Suddenly people are all, “I’m walking sideways on them! Now I’m skipping! I’m jogging backwards! I’m walking on my hands!” Take your parkour somewhere else, people. If the guy next to me started swinging his arms like the guy in the “Treadmill Dance” video, I would bring an ax, set it right next to my MP3 player, and make hacking motions with it every time he started flailing my way.

compressionshortsPossibly Disturbing Trend #3: We wear short-shorts! My old gym had to tell one a.m. exerciser that he needed to wear different shorts while working out, because the stretch compression garments he insisted on wearing was … well, imagine the pair of shorts at right, only half as long and 1.5 times as tight. I remember one day I was on the ellliptical at like 5:30 a.m. and gazing out the front window, when that dude came sauntering into my eyeline via the window’s reflection and I was suddenly, “WHAT is going on behind me?” I spent a good 10 minutes after that aghast as he performed donkey-kick exercises and various other “look at me! ALL of me!” moves.

Meanwhile, at the new gym I keep seeing a guy (who happens to be a paid escort) who will pair the sliced shirt with a pair of quite short shorts.

shortshorts

Now, I myself would love to find workout shorts that are slightly higher than knee-length, just because I think they’re more flattering and if you have good quads, why not show them off? But wee little Daisy Dukes should be left at home, unless you’re working out in the gayest gyms in the country.

flashdancesweatshirt

I told Trainer that if Escort could wear his outfit to the gym, I’m going to create a “Flashdance”-inspired off-the-shoulder number. “It’s going to be amazing,” I said.

flashdancewarmupdance

“And I’m going to have leg warmers, and instead of running on the treadmill, I’m going to do the whole ‘Maniac’ dance, rubbing up and down my legs.”

flashdancesplash

“And then right when you think I’m done, what else can I do, I’m going to pull a ripcord that goes all the way to that A/C unit up there and — BAM! — water everywhere! And I spend the next minute and a half just shaking my hair and prancing.

“Sure, I’ll never be allowed inside any L.A. Fitness in the country ever again, but you have to admit that would be something to see.”

PS: While I was looking for “Flashdance” shots to help illustrate this post, I realized that Jennifer Beals also pioneered Possibly Disturbing Trend #1!

flashdancetuxedo

“Me? Oh, just taking off my jacket to reveal my TUXEDO DICKEY and EXTRAORDINARY SIDE BOOB. No biggie. P.S. I am banging your ex-husband.”

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